Going Crazy.

Hello there.

This may be a bit of a rant, so I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry for it. I feel like I'm going insane and I just want to let a bit of this out. Keep in mind, there is a bit more to all of this than just what's here, but it's a start. I felt better for a bit, basically just a day, then it all came rushing back and resulted in another panic attack type event. It's very possible that I could just be over reacting, but the way that I'm feeling is very real and I'm not going to ignore that fact.

I come from a family that has a small background of some alcohol abuse. I'm not totally against alcohol, but personally, I've never been a huge drinker. I prefer just having a casual drink or occasionally getting slightly tipsy. Getting piss ass drunk is not my style. Lately, it seems that I can't be invited places unless it involves alcohol which brings along the feelings of  'am I not fun enough?' and 'can people just not stand to be sober around me?'.

There's got to be more to life than going out for the sole purpose of getting drunk right ? It's not just me ? It's not too much to ask to be taken out on a night that doesn't involve alcohol, is it ?

My mind has been racing with these questions for about a week and a half to two weeks now. I've honestly lost track.

Ideas are bouncing around in my mind, such as maybe I should just accept this and move on or maybe I should actually take a stand for once and refuse to go out anywhere that involves alcohol for the next while.

A final decision definitely won't be made until I've gotten a bit calmer and have talked to some people first, but one thing that's for sure is that I'm sick of being taken out only when it involves alcohol. I'm raising my standards because I know I deserve more.

xoxo - D.

                                      p.s.

                                        it's never a bad thing to want what you deserve

Too Many Emotions.

Hello there.

Forgive me if this entry is a  little messy and disorganized, but I'm trying something new. I have had basically around 3 anxiety/panic attacks within the last week or so, and this idea is really the only one that has calmed me to the point of normalcy.

My idea is this; to write. I've kept my emotions bottled up for so long, and I'm not a very talkative person nor do I ever really have time to sit down and write in a journal and when I do, my hand cramps up pretty quickly. This will be my journal, or at least an extension of it.

My mind is blank already. This morning I couldn't stop the things I wanted to say, I had so many ideas. Unfortunately, I was at work so, my hands are now spotted and striped with black ink, my stomach screaming with hunger and my mind blank.

I'll start off by saying this at least, if I have learned anything from trying to start up this blog and my vlog channel in the past year, it's that sometimes when you've been knocked down you have to truly give up and give in to your emotions and failures before you can get back up again. Lorelai Gilmore has even said it's okay to sulk.

I recently found out my boyfriend (who is also one of my best friends) has been offered a job in either China or Australia, his pick. Yes, I knew he was interested in doing stuff like this but no, I did not know that he had actually applied. Of course my natural reaction was to act calm over messenger, but panic in reality.

He will be leaving within a year, shortly after we graduate from college, and will be gone for about 6 months to a year. As great as an opportunity this is for him and I know he needs to go, part of me is selfishly hoping that within the next year before he leaves plans will change.

As a backup and as a more realistic plan, I've come up with my own adventure that I will (hopefully) take while he is gone. I plan on traveling up to Toronto to try and do what I've always loved and wanted to do, the arts. I've been obsessed with acting, dancing and singing since before I was in kindergarten. I've always wanted to pursue it but have always come across challenges, one being that I've always been too shy to actually admit it to anyone. Other challenges have included age, location, travel and time.

One saying that I've always held close to my heart is that everything happens for a reason. Maybe him leaving to follow one of his dreams is exactly what I need to follow one of mine.

xoxo - D.

                                p.s.
                                  I'm going to go for a run now, to see how far away from
                                  my emotions I can get. Wish me luck !